Shame: The Author of Hell in Your Life!

Sooo you are traveling along life’s highway and you seem to be doing o.k. Very possibly from all outward appearances you are great. But deep inside you feel like an imposter. You find yourself being too aggressive or even not aggressive enough. You use the word pleaser or maybe imposters syndrome to describe yourself. 

When it comes to work you are a bit of perfectionist, or maybe you are a bit passive aggressive, finding fault all around.  

You have talked to your counselor, been to events and you still end up with the idea you are different. There is a sense of something looming “out there” that might consume you.  

Many of us cover that with an over aggressive stance, or we fall into depression, possibly even a swing of behavior. What ever it is in the end of the day deep deep inside you feel like something is “wrong” with you. You are not like the rest. You simply can never measure up. Counseling or, retreats hasn’t helped and you feel stuck.  

As a relationship/business coach, I often finding a shame based identity is the center if this thinking. It is like you never feel enough, never feel o.k. Always looking for the “other shoe” to fall. Or the “hammer to come down”.  Maybe you compensate by being the first to attack. The first one to criticize or put others “in their place”. None of these responses seem to fill the void you feel inside. Shame can drive you to sabotage a great relationship.

A shamed based identity can have deep roots in your mind, you psyche, and you physiology. Shame is NOT the same as guilt. Guilt drives you to seed resolution and to avoid the behavior.  Shame drives all inside, reinforcing your lack of worthiness, it is you that is simply never enough. Shame increases the likelihood of repeating the shameful event. 

Often addictions, depression and even aggressive behavior are symptoms of a shame based identity. Shame is a powerful task master enslaving the folks who experience it. 

The truth is, most of us have the same questions: Am I enough?: and Can I be loved? When you add a shame based identity to this it makes finding the answers to those questions more difficult. 

A shame based identity is most hard to recognize from within, and sometimes difficult to recognize as a coach. Many live their lifetime in this identity, always feeling they have no value. Research shows it starts strong in teens, and may diminish a bit in the 40’s and back like a lion as we age.  

In my coaching practice the shamed based identity folks are often most difficult and most rewarding. When we break through the solid titanium wall of shame around their hearts and sous, and it melts, I am amazed at the most wonderful loving folks that pop out.  

 Are you in a state of shame based identity? Perhaps an intro coaching session can help you find out.  Click below to set up a free 1/2 hour coaching exploration.  

                                                               Jack Stanley B.C.C.